Life

Well, it's been awhile.
My Dude is still not home.
More shit has happened and I'm so incredibly hopeful he gets to come home soon and gets here safely.

Last time I posted a lot had gone down.
Now there's more.
My Grandma was in the hospital for, gosh, almost a week? That was scary, I cried at work which I never do.
Then last week my fiancee's Dad had a heart attack and when I heard that I completely lost it.
I was like that's it, no more please, no more bad.
Luckily he's doing alright and is just waiting to come home.

We did lose another person, another cool person.  He was like another Grandfather figure growing up, so while not blood he was still family.
That's four.
Four unique, generous people.

And you know?
All these people battling cancer or just aging are telling me that I should get out and do stuff, experience the world, don't waste time...it really just makes you want to quit your job and go do stuff.

I went and watched "Bohemian Rhapsody" last weekend, those guys did stuff.
I wish I was like that.
I wish I could be that bold.

But, I'm just sitting here, alone, crying and writing to no one.

I'm going to regret it one day.

I love my Dude, I would do anything for that guy.
I want a dog.
I would like a house.

But then what?
Do you know what I mean?

Thirty years old and I still feel so lost.

I feel like if my goal was to have a family then yes a house and dog seems like a viable option.
I like kids, I do, but do I want to have some of my own?
Sometimes I think yes, but a lot of the time I think no.

Fuck.
Sometimes I wish I was 60 and had all this shit figured out.