Tonight is hard

 Right as I was typing in blogger.com one of my crying songs came on, from the Titanic soundtrack. 

Yes, anything Titanic related makes me cry.  I went to the museum when it was in a city close by, years ago, it's making me cry just remembering it.

Fuck, I'm out of wine and want to watch the Titanic movie. 

That's how you know my night has been rough.

That's great, two of my worst cry songs are coming up...I know this because I tried to skip the first and saw a worse one was after and rewinded to the first cry song.

Cry songs will be listed below, or I might even link you the "Hollow" playlist, because that is what it is called on Spotify. Have fun.

You know in cartoons or movies how they can show a  flashback real fast of what's happened in the last 24hrs/5yrs/20yrs etc.

I get that sometimes.

Right now the flash back is the last 3 years.  It's fucked.  Honestly. The last 3 years are fucked.  Like, how is that real life? I'm now writing this through blurs because like seriously, how fucked.

I don't get it.

How are there so many highs and lows? It's doesn't make sense. It adds ups, like equally and all but how can that all happen in three years?

Oh cool, Hymn to the Sea, my number one cry song is on.  Oddly enough it also calms my dog and makes me bawl at the same time.  Anything written in the next few lines is emotionally driven by this song.  Oh the pipe bags. Here's where I hold my breath and cry, because I'm weird.  Fuck I hate this song.  When I was in my early teens I wrote in my diary how I wanted this played at my funeral.  Yes, I was emo.  Ooo I hate this part, I wish I had more wine.  My dog is sleeping and I'm gasping for air while crying.  Okay, now it's the kinda happy part where I skip.

These past three years, there has been two marriages, fourth deaths (in our family), one missing person(still not found), three births, homes bought, a few breakups, divorces and almost break ups, new fur babies, strains on relationships..etc 

It's been a rough go.

That does not include having covid, dealing with my mental health, stress of buying a house, stress on my relationship, work stress (I work in healthcare).  It's being fucking hell the last few years.  So everything is just running through my head on fast forward, it's bizarre.

I can't even blame it on my period because that sort of just happened (I have an IUD so my period is almost nonexistent.)

I think the trigger this week is that it was my birthday and for the second year in a row my Grandma didn't call me.

Okay, happy things. 

- I love my co-workers

- My dog makes me laugh

- My husband is awesome (sorry to husband for being the third thing on the list)

-We worked hard to get our house and our pup and I love it all

-I am grateful for the parents, siblings, friends and family I have

-Overall I'm happy and in a good place, tonight is just a hard night

Just editing this and noticed I wrote 'pipe bags' instead of bagpipes...yes it's staying in there and yes I had a bottle of wine.  You're welcome.

 

One of Those Movie Song Moments

In attempts to figure some sh*t out I have gone back to my old title of 'Confessions of a Boring Girl'.
That's just about 10 years ago now.

I plan on doing a bigger post closer to my (30th) birthday in eleven days, but for now you get this one where I feel utterly lost and confused. Oh and super grumpy and pms-y.

I feel like I could cry at anything, actually just breathing makes me want to cry.
And here I am listening to one of my cry songs  (More Time by Needtobreathe), don't ask me why it's in my cry song list it just is for some reason and only the first half of the song.
My Cry Song List will be a future post, if you're curious that is.

This post was induced by a glass of wine in my new favorite glass:

 I also finally got into using Lightroom for editing and I am in love, so expect better pictures to come.

I feel so crazy in my head lately.
I get pms-y but only once in awhile and it's weird.
So I get like this where it's hard core days of being anxious and irritated by anything and everything and I want to cry because I feel mad all the time and my poor boyfriend gets the brunt of it and I end up confessing that I don't like my job or that he needs to do more chores (yeah, this has happened).
Or I just get emotional and watch sad movies constantly so that I bawl, and listen to my cry song list.

I feel like an angsty teenager right now.

One of those movie song moments happened today. You know when the song playing perfectly lines up with how you feel or what's going on in your life? That's a movie song moment.
So I was all pissed, for undisclosed reasons, and went to the liquor store to get myself a bottle of wine. . .or two.  I walked in and "I'm A Bitch" by Meredith Brooks started playing and I was like "Yes!" I went to the California wine section grabbed a bottle of mine wine, saw it was on blow out for two bucks cheaper and grabbed another.
As I was at the till I was so satisfied as she was singing how she was a bitch, a lover, child, mother etc.
I love those moments.
Please share any movie song moments you've had in the comments, I'd love to read them.