Tonight is hard

 Right as I was typing in blogger.com one of my crying songs came on, from the Titanic soundtrack. 

Yes, anything Titanic related makes me cry.  I went to the museum when it was in a city close by, years ago, it's making me cry just remembering it.

Fuck, I'm out of wine and want to watch the Titanic movie. 

That's how you know my night has been rough.

That's great, two of my worst cry songs are coming up...I know this because I tried to skip the first and saw a worse one was after and rewinded to the first cry song.

Cry songs will be listed below, or I might even link you the "Hollow" playlist, because that is what it is called on Spotify. Have fun.

You know in cartoons or movies how they can show a  flashback real fast of what's happened in the last 24hrs/5yrs/20yrs etc.

I get that sometimes.

Right now the flash back is the last 3 years.  It's fucked.  Honestly. The last 3 years are fucked.  Like, how is that real life? I'm now writing this through blurs because like seriously, how fucked.

I don't get it.

How are there so many highs and lows? It's doesn't make sense. It adds ups, like equally and all but how can that all happen in three years?

Oh cool, Hymn to the Sea, my number one cry song is on.  Oddly enough it also calms my dog and makes me bawl at the same time.  Anything written in the next few lines is emotionally driven by this song.  Oh the pipe bags. Here's where I hold my breath and cry, because I'm weird.  Fuck I hate this song.  When I was in my early teens I wrote in my diary how I wanted this played at my funeral.  Yes, I was emo.  Ooo I hate this part, I wish I had more wine.  My dog is sleeping and I'm gasping for air while crying.  Okay, now it's the kinda happy part where I skip.

These past three years, there has been two marriages, fourth deaths (in our family), one missing person(still not found), three births, homes bought, a few breakups, divorces and almost break ups, new fur babies, strains on relationships..etc 

It's been a rough go.

That does not include having covid, dealing with my mental health, stress of buying a house, stress on my relationship, work stress (I work in healthcare).  It's being fucking hell the last few years.  So everything is just running through my head on fast forward, it's bizarre.

I can't even blame it on my period because that sort of just happened (I have an IUD so my period is almost nonexistent.)

I think the trigger this week is that it was my birthday and for the second year in a row my Grandma didn't call me.

Okay, happy things. 

- I love my co-workers

- My dog makes me laugh

- My husband is awesome (sorry to husband for being the third thing on the list)

-We worked hard to get our house and our pup and I love it all

-I am grateful for the parents, siblings, friends and family I have

-Overall I'm happy and in a good place, tonight is just a hard night

Just editing this and noticed I wrote 'pipe bags' instead of bagpipes...yes it's staying in there and yes I had a bottle of wine.  You're welcome.

 

Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

I'm So Weird

I am so over this mental health shit.

My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.

He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.

I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me.  It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.

Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.

Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.

I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?

I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.

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I Hate Being Lonely

I like being alone but I hate being lonely.

I feel like this sums me up very well.

When I feel lonely, my world goes south.
Does that make sense?

This is worse on my days off.
My Love is away working right now, it's almost been two weeks and it never gets easier.

He mostly works at this time of year (my favorite time-Autumn). Last year he was gone for three weeks then home for four days and then gone another month.
Last year was hard.

I'm very grateful he got this job, as he loves it and he is respected more than some of his other jobs he has.  Overall, we're both happy.
It's these lonely moments that get me.
I know it must be hard for him as he's away from everything and everyone, his home.
But as my mental health has always been an issue, I find it especially hard.


Yesterday was a big feat for me, I was quite happy with myself.
I went out shopping, like fun shopping, by myself.
Since you don't know me, just to let you know this is big deal for me.
It's great if I do groceries by myself, I think I over came that last year though, but I still like to call my Mom to go with me on particularly anxious days.
I have not done fun shopping by myself in years.  I used to take the bus all the time in my early twenties, I don't know what happened.
I used to even go see movies by myself and some of those movies are my favorites because I was by myself when I saw them!

Anyways, I didn't come home for two and a half hours.
I hit up HomeSense first, seeing as it was the first day of Autumn, then Winners. . .then I decided not to push my luck and left the mall to get some groceries at Wal-Mart (On a freaking Saturday! Never again. It was so busy!!)
After that I checked out London Drugs for some cosmetic bits and then headed to my parent's house to check in with my brother.
I mean, it's not a crazy day, but it's a lot for me. And I didn't have one panic attack!

Tomorrow I might even try my luck at a movie.
Scratch that, there's no early matinees.
I really want to see 'Life Itself', it looks like a me movie.
But tomorrow 'The Resident' season 2 premieres, so I kinda wanna watch that instead.

Anyone else watching 'Maniac' on Netflix?
It's interesting, I found the first episode very slow.  I liked the second and third episode a lot.
I think I'm on the fourth...
I'm also watching 'Hilda' which is pretty relaxing and easy to watch.


By now I'm sure you've realized my best friend is Netflix.


[I just realized I need to update my 'about me' section, as I am no longer a "twenty year old something blogger".]

Standing Up To My Anxiety

Lately I've been living the life of a single girl. . . sort of.

My fiancee is working away at the moment and so I am by myself.

I know lots of couples do this, and it's tough.  I'm lucky that it hasn't been for months at a time, yet, but it's still hard to have him away.

I have really bad anxiety when I have to go out and do stuff by myself.

Like groceries? If I go right after work or early in the morning I'm good, but if I have to go on my days off in the middle of the day? Forget about it, I end up calling my parents and getting one of them to go with him.

Lately I've been challenging my anxiety, or myself I guess.

I meet my mom for coffee at the mall every Sunday when she's working, once she goes back to work I make myself do a lap around the mall by myself and if I'm brave I go into a store or two.  The longest I've done this for lately is about twenty five minutes and then I get sweaty and panicky and have to leave.

So yesterday I decided I was going to take about a 3 hour drive to my favorite beach.  I made myself do it, I almost have to bully myself into doing things...it's pathetic.

But I did it, I spent 3 hours there and even went body boarding.

Proof:

 Once I was on the road I was having a great time blasting my favorites songs on a beautiful, sunny day.  The beach was busy, but it's so big and honestly, no one else cares what you're doing.

I have to keep reminding myself that.

Like if I want to make myself start running again and I have to remind myself that no one else actually cares what I'm doing, I'm bettering myself and will feel great after.

I just thought I'd give a quick update on my anxiety, and while not everyone has a partner that works away so it forces you to do things alone...it helps.  I would suggest bullying challenging yourself to do things outside your comfort zone.

More on Self Doubt (Careers)

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to work in either fashion, movies, or music.
When I was little, we're talking seven years old here, I wanted to be a cashier and work at Wal-Mart like my Mom (it's documented) but I loved fashion design and modeling.
I did modeling when I was a kid, nothing came of it but it was fun.
I also remember doing an audition for the movie Big Bully, I was about eight, but they were more interested in one of my brothers.  Neither of us got it though.

I did sewing for seven years and really loved designing clothes, but I just wasn't committed.

Flash forward to when I was seventeen, I entered a modeling contest...a couple actually.
I won one and was in a magazine and did some modeling in Toronto for Converse & West49.
I came second, I think, for a local contest and then also did further work with a store called Bootlegger because of it.
I did two local fashion shows that put me in contact with a lady who does modeling and acting classes.

Many, many years later...we're talking about ten years later.I enrolled in acting classes with that lady.  I did them for a year and half.
I auditioned for a pilot tv show and got a callback. . . the only thing was that they were looking for people who were about thirty...I was twenty five and looked about eighteen, so while they laughed at my jokes at the audition and was a great experience overall...I think I just looked too young.  The pilot never took off.

And now?  I take blood for a living.  It's good for right now as it's bringing in double from my old job and I have a regular schedule, but I'd still rather be doing something in the film or fashion industry.
I would really love to be the person who picks the music for tv or film and/or edits it.  As much as editing can frustrate me, I love it.
I've even thought about submitting pictures for commercial modeling lately, but I remember from when I was younger that twenty six is old in modeling and I'm well past that now.  I guess it doesn't hurt to try.
Then a tv show has been filming on our island the past two years and I just don't have time to even do extra work for it because my work isn't flexible.

Remember my post about self doubt a few days ago?
This is a continuation on that.
I just feel like I'm doing the wrong career.
I'm sure tons of people feel like this and it's an awful feeling.  You just feel like you're living a lie because you are, you're lying to yourself.

Anyone else feeling like this?
How do you cope with it?

Self Doubt

I just read a fantastic post by Jess Ann Kirby and it inspired me so much to write my own.

Her post was all about self doubt, and lately I've been (what I now realize) is major self doubt, on top of depression and anxiety...or maybe my self doubt is causing those things.
Another thing she mentioned was to stop comparing.  I compare via instagram, "why am I not doing that? I want to go there" etc
It's bad, bad for your mental health and bad for your relationships.

 
So while this isn't my favorite picture of me, I was happy.  My boyfriend had just done something that made me laugh.
What everyone else would see on social media would be this girl having the time of her life in Vegas.
A week before this I was crying all day, miserable, ready to quit my job and I was just done with everything.  That week before inspired our trip.  I was sad the whole weekend before and Monday I let it slip that I had been constantly crying and Boyfriend decided we had to do something fun on vacation.
So while that picture isn't a lie, it's not the whole story.

I have yet to figure out how to get over my self doubt as I just don't feel like I'm on the right career path.  That's up to me to work hard at getting to where I want to be.

Sometimes Things Just Happen

I've been contemplating this post.
But first of all, may I suggest listening to "Ophelia" by The Lumineers while you read this post? I am so freaking in love with this song.
While I was taking the ferry to work I wrote it out in my notebook I always bring.

I haven't posted in about a week and I have my reasons.

1. I didn't want to post anything lame but guess what? Life happens.

2. I've been feeling off.  I've been fatigued, moody, no libido (TMI?), and it's just been weird.  Plus I've been eating pretty healthy this year and have been gaining weight, I now weigh the most I've ever weighed.  Anyways, I had a hunch and went and got my blood tested for my thyroid.  Turns out it was slightly off and my meds have been regulated again.  Will it ever be normal?

3. A week ago today my wonderful man got laid off from his job.  He's applied to lots of places and even off of our island and no where has any work available for their own workers.

4. My work has finally posted positions (yay!), but they're all part time.

5. I paid all my bills today.

We went from not worrying about money and saving for a house to stressing in a matter of five days.

We've been short with each other some days but never go to sleep mad which I think is important.  We've talked about moving and what would happen if he had to go away for work but none of it works because we don't really know what would happen until it's actually in front of us.

Getting out of the house helps.
Him having a project (his car) helps.
Me working out everyday helps.


This week should be better.
Next week is a short week for me because of the Easter weekend, we have planned for months to go to a car show in The City, which I am so excited for and hopefully it's just a smooth week that will go by quickly.  And it's pay day.

I apologize for the lame, kind of downer post but that's just how life goes isn't it?
Enjoy your weekend!

The Darkness

I suffer from some mental health issues.

There I said it.
Yet, why is it so hard to admit to myself?

I've been dealing with a lot lately and it's not my home life, work, relationships etc.
It's this nattering voice in my head, which sounds crazy I know.

My mom says I've suffered with anxiety since I was young, we're talking about age 6 here, when I used to be bullied.
I never really knew what it was up until 3 years ago.

I have suffered with depression off and on for 12 years.

I have no problem admitting my anxiety, even if it's over something which may be "normal", but depression I can't cope with.

I have been feeling off for the past four months.  I didn't really think anything of it until the last 2 weeks when my usual symptoms started happening, when I know it's really bad.

I broke down on the weekend.  Twice.
After being super rude to my boyfriend and upsetting him he left and I bawled in bed.  It's an angry cry where the sounds I make sound like an animal in pain and I was in pain just emotionally.
Later that evening he confronted me. "Do you still love me?" he asked.
That broke my heart and I just fell apart.

My body becomes rigid, I can't see anything because the tears won't stop flowing, I have trouble breathing but all I want to do is run.
"Don't. Let me go," I said when he tried to hold me.
I was ready to run, knowing that would only hurt him more.
But he held tight.
"What's going on?"
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."

It is so hard for me admit that I suffer with depression.
It's not that fact that I'm telling someone else, it's saying it out loud, admitting it to myself.

After I said it, I just collapsed into more tears.
I felt broken.
I haven't felt that broken in almost 4 years.

We talked and have some goals set.
It's going to be hard.
I already got out of it today but tomorrow we will start going to the gym together after work.

I have a bad habit of coming home, planting my butt in front of youtube and staying there for 3 hours.

We have started making healthier dinners and I even took a proper lunch to work today (when I get depressed I skip out on proper meals if any at all).

I don't know where I went, I just feel so lost lately.
And I know it's not my thyroid disorder this time, it just feels different.

So here's to a healthier, happier me!

Any tips that you have to beat the blues are very welcomed!
Thanks for reading :)

I Am an Introvert

I read an article today about introverts and extroverts and I find that kind of stuff fascinating.

In the article it talks about how usually people assume you're shy if you're an introvert but that's not always true.  Being an introvert/extrovert is about how you 'recharge your battery'.

I've just come home from work not even an hour ago yet and my boyfriend is just talking, and asking questions and just has so much energy (he was off earlier than me today) and I just had to say "please stop".
I had a really busy day and I feel like I used my brain too much and my anxiety feels like it's spinning around in my chest like crazy, I just need like half an hour to be by myself and relax.

Extroverts like to be doing social things, being around groups of people to recharge, I don't quite understand that but I am not an extrovert.

I feed off people's energy when I'm in a group but once I'm home I'm glad it's over and I can rest up.

Funny how we work, isn't it?

Are you an extrovert or an introvert?

Have a great weekend!

I Need a (positive) Change

Hello Reader,
I have a question for you.
How do you change your life, make it more exciting, just do anything different?

If you've read past posts, you'd know that I suffer from anxiety and it's only getting worse.
I have to go to the grocery store before 10am or else I panic.
I can't order pizza over the phone.
I absolutely hate waiting in line at the bank.
Answering any telephone call makes me nervous and I won't stop shaking for up to twenty minutes after.
I won't apply to any full time jobs at work as the interview process would almost kill me and therefore I'm stuck being a casual with no benefits.
Want to go shopping on my day off? Yeah right, I'll just use my computer for that.
If it's my "scheduled" day off from work I will still wake up all night in a panic and will stay up after 430am because I'm too anxious to go to sleep.

This makes it hard to try anything new, step out of my comfort zone, just spice up my life.
It's terrible and I'm letting it get the better of me.
I never used to be this bad until this year.

Any suggestions on something new I could do or that helps you with being anxious?

...Maybe I should try to order a pizza.

Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxiety

Here you go, another anxiety post.
It never changes, really.
It's always the same.

Your throat tightens, you feel like you have a bulge there (my most recent one lasted 3 weeks, I was ready to go to the doctor but it went away), your heart races, sometimes you get sweaty or cold, want to throw up, want to cry.

The reasons for my anxiety?
It's every changing.
Lately it's been work.
I always want to do the right thing, order the right test, follow the procedure etc.
Sometimes things don't go as planned.  A lot of the time they don't.
Today I was calling back and forth for almost an hour trying to figure out something I screwed up.
First of all, I hate using the phone.  It is probably my number one anxiety trigger.
At work I can do it because it has to be done, but I hate it.
We seemed to fix the issue that had happened, but here I am at home, four hours after work is done, still thinking about it.
And thinking about something from yesterday too.
It sucks because sometimes you have someone there to ask for help (today I didn't) but then they just agree with you but you want to know what they would do not just to agree with you!

I work in the medical field by the way, I don't know if I've ever mentioned that.

I still have one more day of work, and I probably won't even enjoy my day off on Sunday.  I'll be too anxious.  Something is bound to make me anxious tomorrow, especially because I'll be the senior person working.

I just wish that I knew everything I could possible know about my job or have no anxiety.  Either option would work for me.  Or just early retirement!

I hope everyone has a much better weekend than yours truly!

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,
Saturday nights are for the following:

1. Sleeping (obvious)

2. Staying up late and relaxing or partying or just having fun

3. Pampering (at home pedicure, face masks etc)

4. Watching movies or your favorite Netflix indulgence (mine currently being 90210)

5. Folding laundry or doing any chores you don't want to do on Sunday


Anxiety, I think you would agree that this is a pretty solid list.
I do not appreciate that I have done almost all of these things except number one.  Trust me, I tried but you decided to wake me up and here I am.

Anxiety, please come again another day. I mean, it's inevitable that you will so why not just let me get a proper sleep tonight?
Thanks.


My anxiety has been so bad this week, I can't even begin to describe that nagging feeling to you this week.  The anxiety attacks I've had in my car, the tears and sickening feeling...
I just need it to go away for a little bit, but it doesn't.  Any tips? 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! 

I Don't Like Mondays

I am going to be honest with you.
I am not quite ready for this Monday blog.
Usually I prepare the night before, have it written out and photos ready.
Last night I think I watched a movie and passed out at 9.

And this is what I look like right now:

Wine and chips in hand.
I started out with a bad day that just kept getting worse.
Plus I'm starting to get sick.

Do you have those work days where it feels like nothing goes your way?
I had a whole week like that and it's followed me to this week.

I got home tonight and my boyfriend's mom had a glass a wine ready for me. So I got into my pajamas, settled in to bed with a glass of wine and a movie.

I don't like Mondays.

What do you do to de-stress?
I promise to be more prepared next time!

Bonus Friday Post

Well Lovelies,
I guess it's officially Christmas time once it's Black Friday isn't it?
I live in Canada and for whatever reason we have joined in on the Black Friday craze and most places have even started their deals on Thursday now!

I apologize for not posting on Wednesday as I usually do.
This week has not been for me.

Sunday I had a break down as am I getting burnt out.
I work as a casual but my schedule is usually full Monday to Saturday.
My days off are scattered which is fine for a little while, but then I started to realize "I'm not getting anything accomplished on my days off".
I spend my days off relaxing, having "me-time" or hanging out with my mom.

Monday and Tuesday, I worked at a crazy busy lab and it's not a lab I like going to because the drive freaks me out.  Do you have roads you just don't like to drive?

Wednesday I was supposed to have a short day but ended up having to go to a meeting and while that wasn't difficult, I was tired.

It's Friday now. It's 6am, I don't start until 8, but I've been up since 1:30am.

Last night I was anxious, which is even more exhausting.

This isn't supposed to be a post where I whine, I apologize if it comes across this way.
Basically I'm trying to explain my schedule to you and talk about burn out.

Have you ever suffered from burn out before?
I have and I don't know what to do to stop it from happening.

If anyone has suggestions please leave them in the comments!

I have things I do to relax, but how do I actually prevent burn out?

It's time for me to load up on coffee, head to work and then hopefully catch a few sales later today!

Have a fun and safe Black Friday!

Another Anxiety Post

Hello Lovelies!

Today I bring to you a post about my anxiety.

Lots of people have anxiety and I never really understood what it was all about until a few years ago.
But last year my Mom and I sat in the doctors office twice trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I was so frustrated because I didn't understand that I would burst into tears each time and the doctor would refer me to a therapist or prescribe me pills.
Finally a different doctor had me do a depression/anxiety quiz and finally said you have generalized anxiety disorder.

My anxiety does not have a trigger most of the time, it just happens.
I can have weeks where I'm really anxious and weeks that I'm carefree and happy.
Lately my social anxiety has been worse.

I went to the mall by myself last week, something that I don't do too often anymore, to try to find a gift. I walked in and my chest tightened, I was feeling warm....I walked into a store, spent less than five minutes in it and walked out. I went into another store and I was so overwhelmed that I practically ran out, went straight to my car and drove home.
I didn't realize it had gotten so bad.

This morning I am quite anxious about going to work and I have a social job, so that's not really the best thing to be feeling on a Monday morning.

When I have anxiety for no reason I tend to calm myself down by watching youtube videos or watching a movie, but I have yet to discover a way to handle social anxiety without having Boyfriend around.

Do you have any tips for handling anxiety?

Have a fantastic Monday and hopefully I'll be posting more this week!

Friday Five(2)- Dealing With Anxiety

Raise your hand if you suffer from anxiety.
Me, me, me!

I'm having a terrible anxiety day.
It started sometime around mid-morning and hasn't left since. Actually it's gotten worse.
I was going to do a post where I whine about it but instead I will share what I sometimes do when I'm having bad anxiety or what I will try.
Plus I just love lists!


Five Things I do to get rid of anxiety:
1. Have a glass of wine...or two
2. Watch youtube (this helps it at the time)
3. Take something like advil night time or gravol to help me sleep.
4. Ask significant other for a back rub (this doesn't always work)
5. Have another glass of wine

Five Things I should try to get rid of anxiety:
1. Start doing yoga again
2. Go for a run a couple hours before bed
3. Spends lots of money at Lush and enjoy a luxurious bath
4. Start writing in my journal again
5. Cut back the caffeine (but I love coffee!)
That's all folks! (Bonus points if you read that in a Porky Pig voice)

Have nice long weekend (if you're getting one)!

Anxiety

It's one of those things that's hard to explain to people who have never really felt it.
Sure we have our little day to day anxieties, but then there are the others who feel it over small things or social situations etc.

This week has been particularly bad for me.
Monday I had anxiety all evening. The tightness in the chest, feeling like every breath is a struggle, the constant worrying (over what? nothing, as usual). It's just that feeling like something bad is going to happen or you forgot to do something.

Yesterday I was super anxious and it's even carried over to today.
I was closing up shop at work alone for the first time.  So, I actually have a reason to be anxious (which is rare). But my mind is racing over little things, did I put that box on the right shelf? was I supposed to put the computer into sleep mode?  what number was supposed to be on that envelope? 
Dumb things. But I am so stressed over it.  I'll hear about it this morning if I did anything wrong.
This tightness in my chest hurts, my brain feels swollen from worrying.
I fell asleep pretty early but I feel like I haven't slept at all. 

I suffer from some social anxiety as well, but it's not as bad as it used to be. 
But I do I still struggle to make and keep friendships.

I've done the whole prescription thing and I hated it.
I didn't feel like myself, I felt numb to everything and everyone and that's not something you want to feel towards your loving boyfriend and family.
I only took SSRIs for 6 months but the withdrawal symptoms that came with trying to get off of them were the worst. You're supposed to do it slowly and I did but I also did it a bit quicker than I should have.  I just needed them out of my life.

Living with anxiety can be hard some days and my Boyfriend doesn't understand what it's like to be anxious and that nothing can trigger it. But he's there for me. When I tell him I'm feeling anxious he asks what he can do and usually he can make it a bit better.  The other day when it was bad he distracted me by taking me for a car ride and then we watched Harry Potter.
I was surprised that it made me forget for a few hours, but grateful.

Well I'm off to start my day, hopefully everything went okay last night and my anxieties will go away for the day.

Happy Wednesday!