Tonight is hard

 Right as I was typing in blogger.com one of my crying songs came on, from the Titanic soundtrack. 

Yes, anything Titanic related makes me cry.  I went to the museum when it was in a city close by, years ago, it's making me cry just remembering it.

Fuck, I'm out of wine and want to watch the Titanic movie. 

That's how you know my night has been rough.

That's great, two of my worst cry songs are coming up...I know this because I tried to skip the first and saw a worse one was after and rewinded to the first cry song.

Cry songs will be listed below, or I might even link you the "Hollow" playlist, because that is what it is called on Spotify. Have fun.

You know in cartoons or movies how they can show a  flashback real fast of what's happened in the last 24hrs/5yrs/20yrs etc.

I get that sometimes.

Right now the flash back is the last 3 years.  It's fucked.  Honestly. The last 3 years are fucked.  Like, how is that real life? I'm now writing this through blurs because like seriously, how fucked.

I don't get it.

How are there so many highs and lows? It's doesn't make sense. It adds ups, like equally and all but how can that all happen in three years?

Oh cool, Hymn to the Sea, my number one cry song is on.  Oddly enough it also calms my dog and makes me bawl at the same time.  Anything written in the next few lines is emotionally driven by this song.  Oh the pipe bags. Here's where I hold my breath and cry, because I'm weird.  Fuck I hate this song.  When I was in my early teens I wrote in my diary how I wanted this played at my funeral.  Yes, I was emo.  Ooo I hate this part, I wish I had more wine.  My dog is sleeping and I'm gasping for air while crying.  Okay, now it's the kinda happy part where I skip.

These past three years, there has been two marriages, fourth deaths (in our family), one missing person(still not found), three births, homes bought, a few breakups, divorces and almost break ups, new fur babies, strains on relationships..etc 

It's been a rough go.

That does not include having covid, dealing with my mental health, stress of buying a house, stress on my relationship, work stress (I work in healthcare).  It's being fucking hell the last few years.  So everything is just running through my head on fast forward, it's bizarre.

I can't even blame it on my period because that sort of just happened (I have an IUD so my period is almost nonexistent.)

I think the trigger this week is that it was my birthday and for the second year in a row my Grandma didn't call me.

Okay, happy things. 

- I love my co-workers

- My dog makes me laugh

- My husband is awesome (sorry to husband for being the third thing on the list)

-We worked hard to get our house and our pup and I love it all

-I am grateful for the parents, siblings, friends and family I have

-Overall I'm happy and in a good place, tonight is just a hard night

Just editing this and noticed I wrote 'pipe bags' instead of bagpipes...yes it's staying in there and yes I had a bottle of wine.  You're welcome.

 

Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

I'm So Weird

I am so over this mental health shit.

My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.

He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.

I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me.  It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.

Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.

Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.

I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?

I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.

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Self Doubt

I just read a fantastic post by Jess Ann Kirby and it inspired me so much to write my own.

Her post was all about self doubt, and lately I've been (what I now realize) is major self doubt, on top of depression and anxiety...or maybe my self doubt is causing those things.
Another thing she mentioned was to stop comparing.  I compare via instagram, "why am I not doing that? I want to go there" etc
It's bad, bad for your mental health and bad for your relationships.

 
So while this isn't my favorite picture of me, I was happy.  My boyfriend had just done something that made me laugh.
What everyone else would see on social media would be this girl having the time of her life in Vegas.
A week before this I was crying all day, miserable, ready to quit my job and I was just done with everything.  That week before inspired our trip.  I was sad the whole weekend before and Monday I let it slip that I had been constantly crying and Boyfriend decided we had to do something fun on vacation.
So while that picture isn't a lie, it's not the whole story.

I have yet to figure out how to get over my self doubt as I just don't feel like I'm on the right career path.  That's up to me to work hard at getting to where I want to be.

The Darkness

I suffer from some mental health issues.

There I said it.
Yet, why is it so hard to admit to myself?

I've been dealing with a lot lately and it's not my home life, work, relationships etc.
It's this nattering voice in my head, which sounds crazy I know.

My mom says I've suffered with anxiety since I was young, we're talking about age 6 here, when I used to be bullied.
I never really knew what it was up until 3 years ago.

I have suffered with depression off and on for 12 years.

I have no problem admitting my anxiety, even if it's over something which may be "normal", but depression I can't cope with.

I have been feeling off for the past four months.  I didn't really think anything of it until the last 2 weeks when my usual symptoms started happening, when I know it's really bad.

I broke down on the weekend.  Twice.
After being super rude to my boyfriend and upsetting him he left and I bawled in bed.  It's an angry cry where the sounds I make sound like an animal in pain and I was in pain just emotionally.
Later that evening he confronted me. "Do you still love me?" he asked.
That broke my heart and I just fell apart.

My body becomes rigid, I can't see anything because the tears won't stop flowing, I have trouble breathing but all I want to do is run.
"Don't. Let me go," I said when he tried to hold me.
I was ready to run, knowing that would only hurt him more.
But he held tight.
"What's going on?"
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."

It is so hard for me admit that I suffer with depression.
It's not that fact that I'm telling someone else, it's saying it out loud, admitting it to myself.

After I said it, I just collapsed into more tears.
I felt broken.
I haven't felt that broken in almost 4 years.

We talked and have some goals set.
It's going to be hard.
I already got out of it today but tomorrow we will start going to the gym together after work.

I have a bad habit of coming home, planting my butt in front of youtube and staying there for 3 hours.

We have started making healthier dinners and I even took a proper lunch to work today (when I get depressed I skip out on proper meals if any at all).

I don't know where I went, I just feel so lost lately.
And I know it's not my thyroid disorder this time, it just feels different.

So here's to a healthier, happier me!

Any tips that you have to beat the blues are very welcomed!
Thanks for reading :)