I wasn't sure whether to title this as "Tom Was Right" or as "What If?"
As in "what if I had gone to the movies?"
I feel like a broken record.
I am so grateful for that night back in July 2012.
So glad I was not connecting with, my then, boyfriend.
So eternally grateful to fate for having My Dude there the same night, his last night before he moved by the way.
Man oh man.
What would life be like?
I don't think I'd be at the job I'm at, I think I would still have the girlfriends in my life that I did at that time, not sure where I would be living, definitely don't think I would have the relationship I have now with another person.
SUBJECT CHANGE
How are you guys doing on the whole Christmas front?
I am loving the cheesy Hallmark movies, as usual.
I just put up some Christmas decor today because the mall was so festive and my Dad and I went and watched the new "Grinch" movie [I still prefer the Jim Carey one].
I'm just missing my guy.
He still hasn't had Thanksgiving, Halloween or his birthday...and he completely skipped my favorite time of year, Autumn.
It's weird.
I was shopping around by myself after the movie and it was just so, lonely isn't the word...it felt wrong. This is stuff we normally do together.
Go get a fancy coffee to split, people watch, Christmas shop, he tells me what I don't need when I want to buy things for myself (I ended up buying myself some things because he wasn't here to say no). It's tradition and it feels so wrong not having him here.
He put it perfectly the other day, he left when it was still Summer and now there's a Christmas tree in his hotel.
Like, what the fuck? Time has gone by so fast but at the same time so slow as I feel like I am just waiting for him to be home safe and sound.
What do you guys do to pass the time while a loved one is away?
I have a bad past with this time of year so when I'm alone it's quite hard and involves lots of tears.
I do find crying very therapeutic, to a point.
So please, give me some advice or something to do whilst alone.
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Monday, October 1, 2018
I'm So Weird
I am so over this mental health shit.
My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.
He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.
I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me. It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.
Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.
Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.
I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?
I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.
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My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.
He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.
I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me. It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.
Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.
Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.
I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?
I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.
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Sunday, September 23, 2018
I Hate Being Lonely
I like being alone but I hate being lonely.
I feel like this sums me up very well.
When I feel lonely, my world goes south.
Does that make sense?
This is worse on my days off.
My Love is away working right now, it's almost been two weeks and it never gets easier.
He mostly works at this time of year (my favorite time-Autumn). Last year he was gone for three weeks then home for four days and then gone another month.
Last year was hard.
I'm very grateful he got this job, as he loves it and he is respected more than some of his other jobs he has. Overall, we're both happy.
It's these lonely moments that get me.
I know it must be hard for him as he's away from everything and everyone, his home.
But as my mental health has always been an issue, I find it especially hard.
Yesterday was a big feat for me, I was quite happy with myself.
I went out shopping, like fun shopping, by myself.
Since you don't know me, just to let you know this is big deal for me.
It's great if I do groceries by myself, I think I over came that last year though, but I still like to call my Mom to go with me on particularly anxious days.
I have not done fun shopping by myself in years. I used to take the bus all the time in my early twenties, I don't know what happened.
I used to even go see movies by myself and some of those movies are my favorites because I was by myself when I saw them!
Anyways, I didn't come home for two and a half hours.
I hit up HomeSense first, seeing as it was the first day of Autumn, then Winners. . .then I decided not to push my luck and left the mall to get some groceries at Wal-Mart (On a freaking Saturday! Never again. It was so busy!!)
After that I checked out London Drugs for some cosmetic bits and then headed to my parent's house to check in with my brother.
I mean, it's not a crazy day, but it's a lot for me. And I didn't have one panic attack!
Tomorrow I might even try my luck at a movie.
Scratch that, there's no early matinees.
I really want to see 'Life Itself', it looks like a me movie.
But tomorrow 'The Resident' season 2 premieres, so I kinda wanna watch that instead.
Anyone else watching 'Maniac' on Netflix?
It's interesting, I found the first episode very slow. I liked the second and third episode a lot.
I think I'm on the fourth...
I'm also watching 'Hilda' which is pretty relaxing and easy to watch.
By now I'm sure you've realized my best friend is Netflix.
[I just realized I need to update my 'about me' section, as I am no longer a "twenty year old something blogger".]
I feel like this sums me up very well.
When I feel lonely, my world goes south.
Does that make sense?
This is worse on my days off.
My Love is away working right now, it's almost been two weeks and it never gets easier.
He mostly works at this time of year (my favorite time-Autumn). Last year he was gone for three weeks then home for four days and then gone another month.
Last year was hard.
I'm very grateful he got this job, as he loves it and he is respected more than some of his other jobs he has. Overall, we're both happy.
It's these lonely moments that get me.
I know it must be hard for him as he's away from everything and everyone, his home.
But as my mental health has always been an issue, I find it especially hard.
Yesterday was a big feat for me, I was quite happy with myself.
I went out shopping, like fun shopping, by myself.
Since you don't know me, just to let you know this is big deal for me.
It's great if I do groceries by myself, I think I over came that last year though, but I still like to call my Mom to go with me on particularly anxious days.
I have not done fun shopping by myself in years. I used to take the bus all the time in my early twenties, I don't know what happened.
I used to even go see movies by myself and some of those movies are my favorites because I was by myself when I saw them!
Anyways, I didn't come home for two and a half hours.
I hit up HomeSense first, seeing as it was the first day of Autumn, then Winners. . .then I decided not to push my luck and left the mall to get some groceries at Wal-Mart (On a freaking Saturday! Never again. It was so busy!!)
After that I checked out London Drugs for some cosmetic bits and then headed to my parent's house to check in with my brother.
I mean, it's not a crazy day, but it's a lot for me. And I didn't have one panic attack!
Tomorrow I might even try my luck at a movie.
Scratch that, there's no early matinees.
I really want to see 'Life Itself', it looks like a me movie.
But tomorrow 'The Resident' season 2 premieres, so I kinda wanna watch that instead.
Anyone else watching 'Maniac' on Netflix?
It's interesting, I found the first episode very slow. I liked the second and third episode a lot.
I think I'm on the fourth...
I'm also watching 'Hilda' which is pretty relaxing and easy to watch.
By now I'm sure you've realized my best friend is Netflix.
[I just realized I need to update my 'about me' section, as I am no longer a "twenty year old something blogger".]
Friday, September 29, 2017
How I Feel
- Lost
- Alone, not physically, mentally
- Confused
- Guilty
- Selfish
- Destructive
- Lost. . .again
- Anxious
- Tired
- Frustrated
- Sad
- Lonely
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