More on Self Doubt (Careers)

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to work in either fashion, movies, or music.
When I was little, we're talking seven years old here, I wanted to be a cashier and work at Wal-Mart like my Mom (it's documented) but I loved fashion design and modeling.
I did modeling when I was a kid, nothing came of it but it was fun.
I also remember doing an audition for the movie Big Bully, I was about eight, but they were more interested in one of my brothers.  Neither of us got it though.

I did sewing for seven years and really loved designing clothes, but I just wasn't committed.

Flash forward to when I was seventeen, I entered a modeling contest...a couple actually.
I won one and was in a magazine and did some modeling in Toronto for Converse & West49.
I came second, I think, for a local contest and then also did further work with a store called Bootlegger because of it.
I did two local fashion shows that put me in contact with a lady who does modeling and acting classes.

Many, many years later...we're talking about ten years later.I enrolled in acting classes with that lady.  I did them for a year and half.
I auditioned for a pilot tv show and got a callback. . . the only thing was that they were looking for people who were about thirty...I was twenty five and looked about eighteen, so while they laughed at my jokes at the audition and was a great experience overall...I think I just looked too young.  The pilot never took off.

And now?  I take blood for a living.  It's good for right now as it's bringing in double from my old job and I have a regular schedule, but I'd still rather be doing something in the film or fashion industry.
I would really love to be the person who picks the music for tv or film and/or edits it.  As much as editing can frustrate me, I love it.
I've even thought about submitting pictures for commercial modeling lately, but I remember from when I was younger that twenty six is old in modeling and I'm well past that now.  I guess it doesn't hurt to try.
Then a tv show has been filming on our island the past two years and I just don't have time to even do extra work for it because my work isn't flexible.

Remember my post about self doubt a few days ago?
This is a continuation on that.
I just feel like I'm doing the wrong career.
I'm sure tons of people feel like this and it's an awful feeling.  You just feel like you're living a lie because you are, you're lying to yourself.

Anyone else feeling like this?
How do you cope with it?

Self Doubt

I just read a fantastic post by Jess Ann Kirby and it inspired me so much to write my own.

Her post was all about self doubt, and lately I've been (what I now realize) is major self doubt, on top of depression and anxiety...or maybe my self doubt is causing those things.
Another thing she mentioned was to stop comparing.  I compare via instagram, "why am I not doing that? I want to go there" etc
It's bad, bad for your mental health and bad for your relationships.

 
So while this isn't my favorite picture of me, I was happy.  My boyfriend had just done something that made me laugh.
What everyone else would see on social media would be this girl having the time of her life in Vegas.
A week before this I was crying all day, miserable, ready to quit my job and I was just done with everything.  That week before inspired our trip.  I was sad the whole weekend before and Monday I let it slip that I had been constantly crying and Boyfriend decided we had to do something fun on vacation.
So while that picture isn't a lie, it's not the whole story.

I have yet to figure out how to get over my self doubt as I just don't feel like I'm on the right career path.  That's up to me to work hard at getting to where I want to be.

A Year of Adventure

Do you ever have the yearning to do something more?
I've been having that feeling like crazy for weeks now.
I feel like I'm in the wrong career, maybe even living in the wrong place.
I want to explore, I haven't been to very many places and I would like to see much more.

There was a day this year where I decided this would be my year of being adventurous.
Being adventurous can mean different things to different people.  For me, it's mostly getting out of my shell, not coming home and sitting on the couch, going out on my days off and doing something.
I feel like I've been succeeding in this but at the same time I've hardly made it off of the rock I call home to see places I've never seen.

Here's the thing, I have a job I can't abandon because money and you need money to go on adventures.
Why do you get a new job somewhere else and go on adventures you ask?
I'd most likely be moving somewhere where I'd be doing the same thing because I have no other skills except for a year of acting classes and janitorial work behind me.

It feels good to get my thoughts out, my brain is a very busy and confused place.
If you have any advice for starting a new adventure or figuring out a new career please, please leave a comment below, thank you.

Adult-ism

I'm going to be honest with you.
I don't feel like an adult and there is never really a time I feel like an adult.
I'm twenty six now.
When I was younger (we're talking around 12 years old here) 26 sounded so old.
Twenty six sounded like a married person with a house, kids and a career.
I have the (for now) career. I saw for now because it's something I enjoy, can see myself doing for awhile and it pays well.
So  maybe one day when I have my house, and I'm settled down I'll pursue my passion..not entirely sure what that is yet.

What sparked all this was an article I read. It was about what it's like to be in your twenties, and how you can have a career now but you don't need to do it for the rest of your life.


I need to keep reminding myself of this and keep discovering myself and find something I really, really love to do.

What's your passion? Are you following your dream career?

Happy Hump Day!

9 Careers I Wanted To Have

When I was younger there were many things I wanted to be when I grew up and the majority of my career options fell under the same category (except for the odd one).

I was probably around the age of seven when I decided I wanted to work at Walmart like Mom. I thought being a cashier was a prime career.
I still have never really been a cashier.

About a year later we were learning about dinosaurs in school. I was going to be a paleontologist.  
I should've stuck with my gut when I was eight as I still find dinosaurs fascinating.

Ages nine to eleven my career options were make up artist, dancer, singer, fashion designer and hair dresser.
I had never used make up and still didn't until I was about fifteen. I was gangly and tall for my age so my awkward movements wasn't really dancing. I was tone deaf.  I still have my binder full of designs. I preferred having my hair done than doing other people's hair.

From age twelve until...well now I was going to model. I was slightly successful in this career path, I just didn't try hard enough. I was in a couple local modeling contests, in a magazine once and in the paper. When I was seventeen I was told to lose weight, I thought that was dumb. I was seventeen and still had baby fat, yet I was so thin.  When I was in my early twenties I decided modeling wasn't for me, I was never going to be a size 0-2, or even a size 6 for that matter. I'm stick quite celery like but I am a size 8 and still think about commercial modeling, but so far I have yet to pursue that idea.
When I was twenty three I figured if you can't model, act. I started taking acting lessons. I went to a couple of open castings and I received a callback once. I didn't get the job but I just tell myself that I looked too young for the role of a twenty four year old.  Those acting lessons got expensive and my bank account wasn't growing, and I still didn't have a head shot or resume to my name. Plus I had a bum wrist from my job. I'm celery like, remember, so thin and wimpy...maybe dead celery.

When my wrist put out of work for about four months I decided it was time to be a real adult and get a "real job" aka a job that I can live off of (and in my mind a job where you don't work Sundays)
Plus my younger man already finished up the schooling for his career and supported my decision to go to school.


As much as I pleaded with my boyfriend to let me be a housewife for a living, after nine months of schooling I am now a phlebotomist.
We have decided though I could be a housewife if he maxes out at the welder wage.
My favorite era is the 1950s so hopefully that explains a bit.

There you have it, the short list of careers I wanted to have.

What careers have you wanted to have? Did you accomplish your dream career?
Enjoy the rest of the week!