More on Self Doubt (Careers)

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to work in either fashion, movies, or music.
When I was little, we're talking seven years old here, I wanted to be a cashier and work at Wal-Mart like my Mom (it's documented) but I loved fashion design and modeling.
I did modeling when I was a kid, nothing came of it but it was fun.
I also remember doing an audition for the movie Big Bully, I was about eight, but they were more interested in one of my brothers.  Neither of us got it though.

I did sewing for seven years and really loved designing clothes, but I just wasn't committed.

Flash forward to when I was seventeen, I entered a modeling contest...a couple actually.
I won one and was in a magazine and did some modeling in Toronto for Converse & West49.
I came second, I think, for a local contest and then also did further work with a store called Bootlegger because of it.
I did two local fashion shows that put me in contact with a lady who does modeling and acting classes.

Many, many years later...we're talking about ten years later.I enrolled in acting classes with that lady.  I did them for a year and half.
I auditioned for a pilot tv show and got a callback. . . the only thing was that they were looking for people who were about thirty...I was twenty five and looked about eighteen, so while they laughed at my jokes at the audition and was a great experience overall...I think I just looked too young.  The pilot never took off.

And now?  I take blood for a living.  It's good for right now as it's bringing in double from my old job and I have a regular schedule, but I'd still rather be doing something in the film or fashion industry.
I would really love to be the person who picks the music for tv or film and/or edits it.  As much as editing can frustrate me, I love it.
I've even thought about submitting pictures for commercial modeling lately, but I remember from when I was younger that twenty six is old in modeling and I'm well past that now.  I guess it doesn't hurt to try.
Then a tv show has been filming on our island the past two years and I just don't have time to even do extra work for it because my work isn't flexible.

Remember my post about self doubt a few days ago?
This is a continuation on that.
I just feel like I'm doing the wrong career.
I'm sure tons of people feel like this and it's an awful feeling.  You just feel like you're living a lie because you are, you're lying to yourself.

Anyone else feeling like this?
How do you cope with it?

I am twenty six years old.

When I was younger I never thought about being married, going to college or even the fact that I would grow up.
I remember playing Barbies with my best friend all the time, but I don't recall my Barbies ever going to college, getting married etc.  My dolls went to concerts, were fashion designers, models, singers and actors.
I wish I had my Barbie's life. Except for when I chopped off their hair that one time, that doesn't grow back.

What I'm getting at is that I have never wanted to grow up and the career I've always wanted isn't the career I have now.
I wish I could go back and tell Little Me to try harder, pressure her parents to do the acting thing more because when I did my acting classes these last couple of years I absolutely loved it.
If I have children I would never pressure them into it because I missed out, but I wouldn't deny them that option either.  I dream big, it's what I do. That's why I don't shoot down other peoples dreams because I know that mine are big and tough to get into.

I am panicking.
I love my job (I haven't even started yet but I did my practicum) but it's not something I want to do forever. Or it is something I want to do forever but I'd like to have my dream as a hobby. The job pays for the hobby/dream.
I've been so anxious lately, I can hardly sleep.  I feel like I missed out on something I love.  Then I remind myself you are a twenty six year old who looks like she's eighteen (so I've been told).  There's still time.