Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,
Saturday nights are for the following:

1. Sleeping (obvious)

2. Staying up late and relaxing or partying or just having fun

3. Pampering (at home pedicure, face masks etc)

4. Watching movies or your favorite Netflix indulgence (mine currently being 90210)

5. Folding laundry or doing any chores you don't want to do on Sunday


Anxiety, I think you would agree that this is a pretty solid list.
I do not appreciate that I have done almost all of these things except number one.  Trust me, I tried but you decided to wake me up and here I am.

Anxiety, please come again another day. I mean, it's inevitable that you will so why not just let me get a proper sleep tonight?
Thanks.


My anxiety has been so bad this week, I can't even begin to describe that nagging feeling to you this week.  The anxiety attacks I've had in my car, the tears and sickening feeling...
I just need it to go away for a little bit, but it doesn't.  Any tips? 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!