You guys, I'm struggling

We have had some tough times lately.

I won't go too much into it, but it's made the family come together and change my perspective on life.

We've also kinda, sort of, started planning our wedding.

It hurts my brain.

And then this weekend I had the worst hangover since 2014.

I've changed a bit these past couple weeks.

Usually I don't do anything after work, especially on Friday nights (I work Saturdays).

This past week I went out on a week night to a family member's until after 10pm (that's crazy for me).

Then on Friday I hung out with my brother playing video games until around 9pm (I'm in bed by nine on Fridays).

I feel like I used to be gotta get to bed early because I work tomorrow.

Just super strict with myself.

I feel like I'm getting away from that, I hope.

[This is from in July but just decided to post it now.]
 

Here and Now

The last time I posted was November, my dude still wasn't home.
He showed up a month later, right before Christmas.  I love Christmas and his Mom loves Christmas, so, it was a big deal.
Right after he got home, like a day or two later, there was a huge wind storm.  It knocked the power out at my work, which never happens, ferries got cancelled. It was rough.
Then a week later, another wind storm.  Worse.
It knocked the power out at work again, for two days.
The power at my house was out for 5 days, it came on on Christmas Eve.  Luckily we had a place to stay and had a blast.  Definitely a memorable Christmas.

Now we're in May.
My dude is going to be leaving next week, he'll be gone for 3 weeks and home for one which is better than being gone for almost 3 months straight but it still sucks. 
I'm having a hard time with it.
I know I'm going to bawl next Monday and drink a few glasses of wine.

What else is new?
-I have a nephew coming at the end of August.
-My period is well out of whack for some reason.
-I've been to a wedding (not my own) and now feel like I should really plan ours, not that it'll be big but I have already bought shoes.  He always says "Hello Love" to me so I couldn't help myself.

Expect more posts in the future as I am not going to have much to do with my time.

Tom Was Right

I wasn't sure whether to title this as "Tom Was Right" or as "What If?" 
As in "what if I had gone to the movies?"

I feel like a broken record.
I am so grateful for that night back in July 2012.
So glad I was not connecting with, my then, boyfriend.
So eternally grateful to fate for having My Dude there the same night, his last night before he moved by the way.

Man oh man.
What would life be like?

I don't think I'd be at the job I'm at, I think I would still have the girlfriends in my life that I did at that time, not sure where I would be living, definitely don't think I would have the relationship I have now with another person.

SUBJECT CHANGE

How are you guys doing on the whole Christmas front?
I am loving the cheesy Hallmark movies, as usual.
I just put up some Christmas decor today because the mall was so festive and my Dad and I went and watched the new "Grinch" movie [I still prefer the Jim Carey one].
I'm just missing my guy.

He still hasn't had Thanksgiving, Halloween or his birthday...and he completely skipped my favorite time of year, Autumn.

It's weird.
I was shopping around by myself after the movie and it was just so, lonely isn't the word...it felt wrong.  This is stuff we normally do together.
Go get a fancy coffee to split, people watch, Christmas shop, he tells me what I don't need when I want to buy things for myself (I ended up buying myself some things because he wasn't here to say no).  It's tradition and it feels so wrong not having him here.

He put it perfectly the other day, he left when it was still Summer and now there's a Christmas tree in his hotel.

Like, what the fuck?  Time has gone by so fast but at the same time so slow as I feel like I am just waiting for him to be home safe and sound.


What do you guys do to pass the time while a loved one is away?

I have a bad past with this time of year so when I'm alone it's quite hard and involves lots of tears.
I do find crying very therapeutic, to a point.

So please, give me some advice or something to do whilst alone.

Life

Well, it's been awhile.
My Dude is still not home.
More shit has happened and I'm so incredibly hopeful he gets to come home soon and gets here safely.

Last time I posted a lot had gone down.
Now there's more.
My Grandma was in the hospital for, gosh, almost a week? That was scary, I cried at work which I never do.
Then last week my fiancee's Dad had a heart attack and when I heard that I completely lost it.
I was like that's it, no more please, no more bad.
Luckily he's doing alright and is just waiting to come home.

We did lose another person, another cool person.  He was like another Grandfather figure growing up, so while not blood he was still family.
That's four.
Four unique, generous people.

And you know?
All these people battling cancer or just aging are telling me that I should get out and do stuff, experience the world, don't waste time...it really just makes you want to quit your job and go do stuff.

I went and watched "Bohemian Rhapsody" last weekend, those guys did stuff.
I wish I was like that.
I wish I could be that bold.

But, I'm just sitting here, alone, crying and writing to no one.

I'm going to regret it one day.

I love my Dude, I would do anything for that guy.
I want a dog.
I would like a house.

But then what?
Do you know what I mean?

Thirty years old and I still feel so lost.

I feel like if my goal was to have a family then yes a house and dog seems like a viable option.
I like kids, I do, but do I want to have some of my own?
Sometimes I think yes, but a lot of the time I think no.

Fuck.
Sometimes I wish I was 60 and had all this shit figured out.