Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

I'm So Weird

I am so over this mental health shit.

My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.

He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.

I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me.  It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.

Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.

Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.

I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?

I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.

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I Love Autumn

This is not new news.
It's the first day of October, it's foggy and rainy outside, the leaves are falling onto my driveway.

But I'm sad.

My Love is away working and I have no one to share the joy with.
Normally we would be out for walks, going to the corn maze, picking pumpkins, browsing the farmer's market etc.
It's not the same alone, it's not even the same with someone in place of him.
It sucks.

It's my favorite time of year and it's his busy time at work.
I hate to whine because I know a lot of people have to do this, it just doesn't get easier.

So to celebrate the first day of October I have on this cozy sweatshirt, I'm going to go buy candles and have coffee with my Mom, then tidy my house and make it cozy.  Then I'll play some video games, read a book and eventually settle down with a glass of red wine, a bowl of chili and watch "The Resident".

Fuck.
I miss my dude.

I'm browsing all the cozy Autumn pictures on Tumblr, here's the link to mine.
My tumblr has changed from health and fitness to whatever to Autumn.

Today might be a good day to watch "You've Got Mail".

Oh and go listen to my new favorite song, "Two Punks In Love" by Bulow.

Happy October! Enjoy!