Merry Christmas Everyone!

I'm very proud of myself you know.
I didn't delete my last post.  I did think about it though, many times.
And then, I realized that no one reads my blogs and if they did it's for me.
It's for me to express myself and if someone judges the way I feel, well then boo hoo.

I hope that one day someone will read my blogs about anxiety and depression and maybe it will help them but for now it's just a way for me to express myself.

Okay, end of that.

Who is excited for Christmas?!

I am getting super duper excited.
It snowed yesterday.  The rain melted it away overnight, but it still SNOWED!!

What makes Christmas feel like Christmas to you?

I have a list *insert smug face here* as I always have a list.

-Sitting around the table with my side of the family and my brother's significant others, but that's not it, there needs to be banter and weird discussions happening. That's my family

-Staying up really late on Christmas eve with my boyfriend's family (weird conversations ensue here as well, really weird)

-Stuffing.  Yep, that's enough for me for it to feel like a holiday.

-"Merry Christmas Everyone" by Shakin' Stevens.  It just gets you feeling all those Christmas feels!

-Candles, especially 'Winter' by Bath & Body Works

-Wrapping while watching a Christmas movie.  Yesterday it had just started flurry-ing? and I was wrapping and watching a Christmas movie before work. . .it was perfect, except for the going to work part...

-A couple years back everyone was instructed to say "Happy Holidays" and everyone I knew thought it was silly that "Merry Christmas" wasn't politically correct anymore.  Well "Merry Christmas" is back!  The amount of patients that have said it to me is out weighing the ones who don't and that makes me feel very festive and cheery!

So tell me, what makes it feel like Christmas to you?

And, Merry Christmas!

 

The Darkness

I suffer from some mental health issues.

There I said it.
Yet, why is it so hard to admit to myself?

I've been dealing with a lot lately and it's not my home life, work, relationships etc.
It's this nattering voice in my head, which sounds crazy I know.

My mom says I've suffered with anxiety since I was young, we're talking about age 6 here, when I used to be bullied.
I never really knew what it was up until 3 years ago.

I have suffered with depression off and on for 12 years.

I have no problem admitting my anxiety, even if it's over something which may be "normal", but depression I can't cope with.

I have been feeling off for the past four months.  I didn't really think anything of it until the last 2 weeks when my usual symptoms started happening, when I know it's really bad.

I broke down on the weekend.  Twice.
After being super rude to my boyfriend and upsetting him he left and I bawled in bed.  It's an angry cry where the sounds I make sound like an animal in pain and I was in pain just emotionally.
Later that evening he confronted me. "Do you still love me?" he asked.
That broke my heart and I just fell apart.

My body becomes rigid, I can't see anything because the tears won't stop flowing, I have trouble breathing but all I want to do is run.
"Don't. Let me go," I said when he tried to hold me.
I was ready to run, knowing that would only hurt him more.
But he held tight.
"What's going on?"
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."

It is so hard for me admit that I suffer with depression.
It's not that fact that I'm telling someone else, it's saying it out loud, admitting it to myself.

After I said it, I just collapsed into more tears.
I felt broken.
I haven't felt that broken in almost 4 years.

We talked and have some goals set.
It's going to be hard.
I already got out of it today but tomorrow we will start going to the gym together after work.

I have a bad habit of coming home, planting my butt in front of youtube and staying there for 3 hours.

We have started making healthier dinners and I even took a proper lunch to work today (when I get depressed I skip out on proper meals if any at all).

I don't know where I went, I just feel so lost lately.
And I know it's not my thyroid disorder this time, it just feels different.

So here's to a healthier, happier me!

Any tips that you have to beat the blues are very welcomed!
Thanks for reading :)

Christmas Music 2015

Hello All!
I feel like my Dad is the one who really turned me on to Christmas music as it was constantly playing this time of year when I was a kid.  We had the classic Burl Ives to the Chipmunks to Porky Pig's "Blue Christmas".

So naturally I start playing Christmas tunes in November.
Here are the ones I never tire of:

1. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Michael Buble
2. "Cold December Night" by Michael Buble
3. "Underneath the Tree" by Kelly Clarkson
4. "Mistletoe" by Colbie Caillat
5. "All My Bells are Ringing" by Lenka
6. "Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty
7. "Cool Yule" by Louis Armstrong
8. "Merry Christmas Baby" by Hanson
9. "Maybe This Christmas" by Ron Sexsmith
10. "Baby It's Cold Outside" by Zooey Deschanel

It's a pretty modern list now and The O.C. Christmukkah episodes have had a lot of influence.

A Christmas Tag

It's December!
Can you believe it?

I started my advent calendar a day late because I didn't realize it was December.
Time goes by way to fast. . .

How is your Christmas shopping going? or are you a last minute shopper?
I am about 85% done and have been for awhile (so proud of myself).

I have some Christmas posts planned but I am honestly waiting for my Black Friday purchase to arrive. I splurged and bought a new laptop, it's going to be my blogging/picture/video laptop...or so I say so far.

So stay tuned for hopefully an endless supply of content coming up!

This is just going to be a quick Christmas list today, enjoy!

Favorite Christmas Song: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"-Michael Buble
Favorite Christmas Movie: (this is tough as I love so many) "12 Date of Christmas" or "The Family Stone" and of course the classics like "Elf" and "Home Alone" oh and "The Santa Clause"!
Who is the easiest to buy for? My boyfriend or Sister-in-Law
Favorite Christmas Treat: Any kind of pie or sugar cookies
Favorite Christmas Dinner Food: Stuffing or mashed potatoes
Fake or real tree? Real
When do you get/put up your tree? I think we buy our tree during the second week of December, but it'll be my first year getting my own tree
Favorite Christmas Event: One town over there is the most spectacular light up, parade and fireworks and I've gone every year since I was a baby
Which TV special do you look forward to the most? Charlie Brown
Favorite Candle: I love the winter scent by Bath & Body Works but I've really been enjoying wood wick candles as they sound like you have a fire going & I don't have a fireplace so it's perfect.
Any Christmas traditions? Well, we used to drive around and look at Christmas lights with my family until I was about 21/22. Now it's Christmas Eve at Boyfriend's parents & Christmas Day at my parent's house. And my own little tradition is that I like to watch all the Christmas episodes of Full House and I start re-watching all the seasons of The O.C.

Feel free to copy and repost with your answers! I loved to read them.

Sometimes You Just Need To Write

I'd like to start this post as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. . .

I suck at posting blogs and videos.
Why can't I just commit?
It's something I enjoy doing and I find it relaxing.  I should really be putting at least an hour aside a few times a week to do it.

I'm going to go ahead and make excuses again.
I work 5 days a week, full time hours and I never know when I'll get home.  Lately it takes me 30mins to an hour and a half to get home, depending on which site I'm working at.
So I am tired when I get home. 

Tonight I am just exhausted and I still have two days to go and then one day off.
Does it make sense why I don't post as often as I'd like to?
I get home, I clean, I sometimes cook and then of course I need at least an hour to do nothing and then there's groceries and visiting my parents/brothers.  Mostly I try to make sure to spend time with my man because if I don't I get bummed out.  It doesn't have to be anything exciting, like right now he's playing Fall Out 4 and I'm on the couch next to him writing this post.

I feel like this post is all over the place, but maybe that's what I need.

Question, are you decorated for Christmas?
It's funny, where I live we started seeing Christmas in the stores in September. Then November 1st everything was Christmas.  Last weekend we went to the mall and everything was decked out.  It seems early but I was pretty excited and really it's just over a month away.
I think I'm going to decorate this upcoming week and then get our Christmas tree in two weeks.  It'll be our first Christmas tree and our first tree in our little suite! 

That's all for today, like I said I'm tired (it's only 9pm) and I'm going to head to bed.

Have a great weekend!