Here and Now

The last time I posted was November, my dude still wasn't home.
He showed up a month later, right before Christmas.  I love Christmas and his Mom loves Christmas, so, it was a big deal.
Right after he got home, like a day or two later, there was a huge wind storm.  It knocked the power out at my work, which never happens, ferries got cancelled. It was rough.
Then a week later, another wind storm.  Worse.
It knocked the power out at work again, for two days.
The power at my house was out for 5 days, it came on on Christmas Eve.  Luckily we had a place to stay and had a blast.  Definitely a memorable Christmas.

Now we're in May.
My dude is going to be leaving next week, he'll be gone for 3 weeks and home for one which is better than being gone for almost 3 months straight but it still sucks. 
I'm having a hard time with it.
I know I'm going to bawl next Monday and drink a few glasses of wine.

What else is new?
-I have a nephew coming at the end of August.
-My period is well out of whack for some reason.
-I've been to a wedding (not my own) and now feel like I should really plan ours, not that it'll be big but I have already bought shoes.  He always says "Hello Love" to me so I couldn't help myself.

Expect more posts in the future as I am not going to have much to do with my time.

Tom Was Right

I wasn't sure whether to title this as "Tom Was Right" or as "What If?" 
As in "what if I had gone to the movies?"

I feel like a broken record.
I am so grateful for that night back in July 2012.
So glad I was not connecting with, my then, boyfriend.
So eternally grateful to fate for having My Dude there the same night, his last night before he moved by the way.

Man oh man.
What would life be like?

I don't think I'd be at the job I'm at, I think I would still have the girlfriends in my life that I did at that time, not sure where I would be living, definitely don't think I would have the relationship I have now with another person.

SUBJECT CHANGE

How are you guys doing on the whole Christmas front?
I am loving the cheesy Hallmark movies, as usual.
I just put up some Christmas decor today because the mall was so festive and my Dad and I went and watched the new "Grinch" movie [I still prefer the Jim Carey one].
I'm just missing my guy.

He still hasn't had Thanksgiving, Halloween or his birthday...and he completely skipped my favorite time of year, Autumn.

It's weird.
I was shopping around by myself after the movie and it was just so, lonely isn't the word...it felt wrong.  This is stuff we normally do together.
Go get a fancy coffee to split, people watch, Christmas shop, he tells me what I don't need when I want to buy things for myself (I ended up buying myself some things because he wasn't here to say no).  It's tradition and it feels so wrong not having him here.

He put it perfectly the other day, he left when it was still Summer and now there's a Christmas tree in his hotel.

Like, what the fuck?  Time has gone by so fast but at the same time so slow as I feel like I am just waiting for him to be home safe and sound.


What do you guys do to pass the time while a loved one is away?

I have a bad past with this time of year so when I'm alone it's quite hard and involves lots of tears.
I do find crying very therapeutic, to a point.

So please, give me some advice or something to do whilst alone.

Life

Well, it's been awhile.
My Dude is still not home.
More shit has happened and I'm so incredibly hopeful he gets to come home soon and gets here safely.

Last time I posted a lot had gone down.
Now there's more.
My Grandma was in the hospital for, gosh, almost a week? That was scary, I cried at work which I never do.
Then last week my fiancee's Dad had a heart attack and when I heard that I completely lost it.
I was like that's it, no more please, no more bad.
Luckily he's doing alright and is just waiting to come home.

We did lose another person, another cool person.  He was like another Grandfather figure growing up, so while not blood he was still family.
That's four.
Four unique, generous people.

And you know?
All these people battling cancer or just aging are telling me that I should get out and do stuff, experience the world, don't waste time...it really just makes you want to quit your job and go do stuff.

I went and watched "Bohemian Rhapsody" last weekend, those guys did stuff.
I wish I was like that.
I wish I could be that bold.

But, I'm just sitting here, alone, crying and writing to no one.

I'm going to regret it one day.

I love my Dude, I would do anything for that guy.
I want a dog.
I would like a house.

But then what?
Do you know what I mean?

Thirty years old and I still feel so lost.

I feel like if my goal was to have a family then yes a house and dog seems like a viable option.
I like kids, I do, but do I want to have some of my own?
Sometimes I think yes, but a lot of the time I think no.

Fuck.
Sometimes I wish I was 60 and had all this shit figured out. 

Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

I'm So Weird

I am so over this mental health shit.

My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.

He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.

I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me.  It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.

Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.

Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.

I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?

I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.

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