Just Breathe

I'm not entirely sure what you would group this under, but I've been diagnosed (in the past) with general anxiety disorder and depression.
I was also put on meds for the two.

In general, I did not have a shitty day.
But with everything added up and me over thinking every fucking thing, I am in quite the state.

Currently, my eyes are swollen and red.
I have snot streaming from my nose, great picture, I know, and I can't stop crying.

Today it was just. . .
You know when you go to put that Jenga block on and you know it's going to fall?
Yeah, it's that kind of day.

So I was already on edge as I hardly slept last night, then there was just work drama...you know *insert eyebrow raise here*.

Then I found out my Great Aunt, who I really like and was closer to growing up got approved for a liver transplant, which is great but I like to wait until it's done for the celebratory dance.
And because it's my Grandpa's sister it just takes me back to his funeral 9 years ago.  I couldn't cry at his funeral, I had already dealt with it.
The night we got the phone call he had passed I had had a crying fit hours before and didn't know why and I couldn't sleep.
I found out the next morning that he had moved on.

My dad has pnemonia.
Mother in law to be has breast cancer.
My Love is gone to work for approximately two months.

This is the shit my brain does.
My depression is bad lately.
I can't stop crying.
I can't sleep.

I put on a real good show and it's exhausting.

I feel like I always try to be Sweden, neutral. 
I feel like I always try to be strong, to hold it together.
I feel like
I feel like it's getting so hard.

We want a house.
I'm so terrified to have a house.
It'll just be me, and our dog we hope to have, when he's gone to work.
I'm so scared for that.

Just breathe.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
I feel like I've exhausted myself from crying.

I came home from work, had a decent day but missed my Dude and then just all this shit was going on and decided to have a glass of wine, which in the end made The Feelings, worse.

Everyone I work with has their own shit going on, I get that. Trust me I get it.  I feel like I try to  sympathize/empathize...Pisces nature.
And then when it's your own shit, you take on everyone's issues as well and it just hits you.
We've had 3 family friend deaths, close family friends.
And then all the recent stuff above and then some other medical issues.
A retirement at work was really hard on me.
My two people I rely on to keep me sane were gone at the same time.
And just being alone lately fucking sucks.
I can't breathe.

I feel like I need to catch my breath from crying.

I need to fucking sleep tonight.
I've been having sleep issues since the beginning of September, worse the last 2 weeks though.


I'm just so exhausted with everything but can't sleep.
Ironic hey?

Please link something to cheer me up in the comments.

I'm So Weird

I am so over this mental health shit.

My anxiety has been (forced to be) better.
My depression is okay.
I just hate being without my dude.
And being alone makes all this stupid shit worse.

He and my mom are two of my best friends, but he seriously keeps me sane.
And sometimes I just feel lost without him.

I can seriously sit at home or lay in bed and just be there and time will pass and I won't have a fucking clue, it's like I'm waiting for him to walk in.
I'm always scared that one day I will actually lose him, because I will have also lost myself and that terrifies me.  It's one of the thoughts that keeps me awake at night.

Since the day I met him I've always (to myself) compared him to my best friend growing up (kindergarten until grade 11), it was always the same feeling...like I felt like myself and could be myself around him and we could just goof, but obviously it's more with him than it was my best friend when I was a kid.

Don't you hate but love when the songs on your playlist play with how you're feeling?
I didn't even realize I was crying.
I just miss him.

I was watching 'The Conjuring 2' ten minutes ago, like what? how did I get to here?

I'm so weird and such an introvert.
When he's gone I hate being lonely but I do like to be alone.
Like I turned down a walk with a friend today and practically rushed my mom out the door just to be alone.
I'm so weird.

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I Love Autumn

This is not new news.
It's the first day of October, it's foggy and rainy outside, the leaves are falling onto my driveway.

But I'm sad.

My Love is away working and I have no one to share the joy with.
Normally we would be out for walks, going to the corn maze, picking pumpkins, browsing the farmer's market etc.
It's not the same alone, it's not even the same with someone in place of him.
It sucks.

It's my favorite time of year and it's his busy time at work.
I hate to whine because I know a lot of people have to do this, it just doesn't get easier.

So to celebrate the first day of October I have on this cozy sweatshirt, I'm going to go buy candles and have coffee with my Mom, then tidy my house and make it cozy.  Then I'll play some video games, read a book and eventually settle down with a glass of red wine, a bowl of chili and watch "The Resident".

Fuck.
I miss my dude.

I'm browsing all the cozy Autumn pictures on Tumblr, here's the link to mine.
My tumblr has changed from health and fitness to whatever to Autumn.

Today might be a good day to watch "You've Got Mail".

Oh and go listen to my new favorite song, "Two Punks In Love" by Bulow.

Happy October! Enjoy!

Skin Check In

My skin is breaking out bad and I don't know why.
Usually it's because it's "that time of the month" but not this time.
And its only on the right side of my chin and mouth area and they're painful pimples.

Okay, maybe I have an inkling it's the cheese and dairy I've had, because I can break out from dairy but it's never been this bad or long.
I've had pizza quite a lot. . .

I've been trying to treat these pimples, so if what I use works I will let you know.
Also, I tried the Pixi Glow Peel Pads (again) and they dried my skin out for over a week.  I have never had sand paper skin the way I did this past week.  The first time I used the pads I didn't even notice a difference. This last time was much different.
The Glow Tonic works well for me, but these pads are a no go.
I would recommend the First Aid Beauty facial radiance pads over these, but that's just me.
My skin is typically on the drier side.

Lately for acids I've been using the lactic, glycolic, salicylic and hyaluronic acids from The Ordinary.
They work best for my, apparently, sensitive skin.

Then I like to also use the Caudalie Instant Detox Mask, I think it's a miracle worker. I haven't bought it in almost a year and just repurchased it because I realized I missed it and it was one of the products that really helped my skin.

Because I use those acids I try to keep my moisturizer pretty basic and use the Eucerin facial moisturizer as it's hydrating and just simple.

I also LOVE the Glow Recipe watermelon sleeping mask, it is amazing, you just need to try it to understand.

I have no updates on eye cream, because I miss my beloved Shiseido eye cream but can't justify the price until there is a sale.
For now the Olay ultimate eye cream is working, but it's nothing compared to the above.
If you have any suggestions on an affordable eye cream it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm curious what you're using in your skin care routine (I love skin care) or if you have any tips for break outs. Thanks!

I Hate Being Lonely

I like being alone but I hate being lonely.

I feel like this sums me up very well.

When I feel lonely, my world goes south.
Does that make sense?

This is worse on my days off.
My Love is away working right now, it's almost been two weeks and it never gets easier.

He mostly works at this time of year (my favorite time-Autumn). Last year he was gone for three weeks then home for four days and then gone another month.
Last year was hard.

I'm very grateful he got this job, as he loves it and he is respected more than some of his other jobs he has.  Overall, we're both happy.
It's these lonely moments that get me.
I know it must be hard for him as he's away from everything and everyone, his home.
But as my mental health has always been an issue, I find it especially hard.


Yesterday was a big feat for me, I was quite happy with myself.
I went out shopping, like fun shopping, by myself.
Since you don't know me, just to let you know this is big deal for me.
It's great if I do groceries by myself, I think I over came that last year though, but I still like to call my Mom to go with me on particularly anxious days.
I have not done fun shopping by myself in years.  I used to take the bus all the time in my early twenties, I don't know what happened.
I used to even go see movies by myself and some of those movies are my favorites because I was by myself when I saw them!

Anyways, I didn't come home for two and a half hours.
I hit up HomeSense first, seeing as it was the first day of Autumn, then Winners. . .then I decided not to push my luck and left the mall to get some groceries at Wal-Mart (On a freaking Saturday! Never again. It was so busy!!)
After that I checked out London Drugs for some cosmetic bits and then headed to my parent's house to check in with my brother.
I mean, it's not a crazy day, but it's a lot for me. And I didn't have one panic attack!

Tomorrow I might even try my luck at a movie.
Scratch that, there's no early matinees.
I really want to see 'Life Itself', it looks like a me movie.
But tomorrow 'The Resident' season 2 premieres, so I kinda wanna watch that instead.

Anyone else watching 'Maniac' on Netflix?
It's interesting, I found the first episode very slow.  I liked the second and third episode a lot.
I think I'm on the fourth...
I'm also watching 'Hilda' which is pretty relaxing and easy to watch.


By now I'm sure you've realized my best friend is Netflix.


[I just realized I need to update my 'about me' section, as I am no longer a "twenty year old something blogger".]